TRANSMISSIONS FROM STOP THE MIMES HQ. CONFIDENTIAL.
Our first two transmissions deal with these questions: Who are the mimes? What is their plan?
Mimes are not human beings. This much is becoming well known gradually throughout the more elite classes of society. Mimes are, as their name implies, poor copies of human beings. Mimes are, in fact, space aliens from a distant and hostile world. Mimes are physically and mentally like human beings in most respects, aside from three absolutely critical differences:
As you have probably already guessed, many mimes disguise their true nature from unsuspecting human beings. But how?
They do this by employing a clever ruse of claiming to wear white make-up and using their telepathic powers to fool all but the most discriminating among us into thinking that they are capable of normal human speech. Most people never suspect that when they "hear" a mime after a "performance" the mime in question is in fact beaming its thoughts directly into their brains, diabolically using the same neural pathways normally used for human hearing. At the same time, the mimes may be subtly causing changes to other parts of the victims brain, rendering another hapless human less able to resist the final takeover.
Having answered the question "Who are the mimes?" and received the disturbing answer, it is time to ask "What is their plan?". Their plan is simple: to take over our planet and enslave us. Some background on the mimes' home planet will help make this clear.
Very little is known about the mimes' home planet. But by analyzing known facts of mime physiology and behaviour, this much can be ascertained:
Conjecture #1: The mime planet is very dark.
This fact is supported by the lack of pigment in the mimes faces. Human beings evolved darker pigments, to protect us from the sun. The fact that the mimes skin is pure white suggests that they are not exposed to bright light in their natural environment.
Conjecture #2: The mime planet is very loud.
Loud noise or some other disturbance likely makes normal speech impossible on the mimes' homeworld. On normal planets, such as Earth, evolution favors sentient humanoids that communicate using speech. Only in extraordinary circumstances where speech is impossible will evolution result in the more complex telepathy that mimes use to communicate.
Conjecture #3: The mime planet is not a nice place to live.
Based on conjectures #1 and #2, we see that the mime homeworld is a dark, loud place. Imagine living on the inside of a garbage can that someone was constantly banging on. Does that sound appealing? No. Which leads us to the inescapable fourth conjecture:
Conjecture #4: The mimes intend to take over Earth.
Clearly, the mimes' objective is none other than to take over the Earth as their new home world, enslaving humanity in the process.
Mimes appear to cluster around street corners, theatres, public parks and other
venues involving large numbers of human beings. The mimes are aware that their human victims are at their least vigilant when relaxing in a city park or strolling down the street. It is likely that the mimes are carefully positioning themselves and observing their would-be victims, waiting for the moment when they seize control of a sizable segment of our population.
The mimes have achieved a high level of control over their own bodies. It is obvious that they do so by using their telepathic powers. From this we can conclude that the mimes will enslave us by taking direct control over our bodies, manipulating the nerves that control our muscles telepathically. Independently of our will, our bodies may convulse as if we were walking in a strong wind, or we may find our bodies resisting motion, as if we were trapped in an invisible box.
Once the mimes have struck and used their legions of telepathic puppets to achieve hegemony over the Earth, they will have no need of the three and one-half pounds of grey matter that is our brains. Most likely, the brains of the mimes hapless victims will be removed and melted into a protein broth that the mimes will consume in order to enhance their telepathic powers.
Watch for future transmissions on how we humanity can destroy the mime threat... before they destroy us. Good luck, human brothers!Disclaimer: This page is intended for humor and entertainment only. Please for God's sake don't go shoot a mime and then blame it on me. Because I am rubber and you are glue. So there.